Quaker “Aunt Jemima” has been replaced by the Pearl milling company. “Mrs. Butterworth” and “Uncle Ben” have followed her in the trash can of history, all because these venerable product images defied current ideological purity tests. Awakened ideology rolls like an avalanche through American companies, and the removal of these objectionable products is one of the main ways in which these companies show their awakening.
Many CEOs have contracted the awakening virus and are supported by their young employees who have gone through ideological re-education camps which are doubled by contemporary institutions of higher education. The latter camp wholeheartedly accepts the Woke credo—“I believe that systemic racism, patriarchy and homophobia are everywhere, and they explain all past problems, all current problems, and all possible future problems.“-without question.
Sadly, companies like Quaker missed a golden opportunity to be awake by ignoring Onionadvice from as to where they might want to go with the old “Aunt Jemima” products. For this reason, I suggest a more comprehensive response that these companies can implement to advance this revolutionary moment. Why waste the momentum of our exciting and radical times by simply removing the old hateful images? Why not replace them with images more fully ideologically consistent with the principles and beliefs of the Awakened Revolution?
With that in mind, here are some rebranding ideas that I would like companies to consider:
Ready-to-use rice: Images of Representatives Ilhan Omar, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Rashida Tlaib, Ayanna Pressley, Cori Bush and Jamaal Bowman may replace “Uncle Ben” on the front of the box. This image will show them happily waiting for the rice to be prepared for them by their white male heterosexual staff as they energetically boogie – in the direction of expert dancer Ocasio-Cortez– on the prostrate bodies of irremediable white supremacists such as George Washington and Thomas Jefferson.
On the back of the box, consumers will find a link to Ocasio-Cortez’s narration of “A Message from the Future”, In which they will learn that“ we can be whatever we have the courage to see ”(this is of course why every young boy who dreams of going to the NFL ends up doing just that).
The side panel of the box will commemorate the 20th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks with a short poem by Congresswoman Omar titled: “Some people did something. “It will show how the worst consequence of the 9/11 attacks was not 3,000 deaths, but rather the fact that a few Muslim Americans were later called bad guys. The other panel will contain addresses to which consumers will be able to send a nice big check for the courageous representatives re-election campaigns.
Angela Davis Black Panther Revolution Maple Syrup: Forget about Pearl Milling Company. The image of the syrup bottle of “Aunt Jemima” should be replaced by faces of famous social justice activists and advocates of the violent revolution. Angela Davis and Huey P. Newton would do the trick, along with Stalin, Mao and Fidel Castro. This group could be pictured at a charming breakfast table with a bust of Karl Marx in its center, licking the syrup from their fingers. Visible in the background are long lines of people gratefully dragging each other through utopian labor camps and liberating firing squads with smiles, eating delicious syrup-dripping pancakes as they go.
A little summary of The Communist Manifesto will be printed on the back of the bottle, along with a plan of how to organize a Black Panthers school for children who can serve as an effective cover for criminal operations, including the embezzlement of contributions and paramilitary training for assaults on the police.
Black Lives Matter Peaceful Protest Pancake Mix: An image of a peaceful protester wearing a George Floyd t-shirt adorns the front of this box, eating a pancake with one hand and disrupting a fellow by hitting a cop in the face with the other. Most buildings burn peacefully and friendly looters loom in the background.
On the back of the box will be an image of the co-founder of BLM Patrisse Cullors’ new $ 1.4 million Los Angeles home, with a security fence and armed guards to keep the scum from entering. Meanwhile, the side panels of the box will contain instructions for making love-inducing Molotov cocktails and a list of characteristics of white supremacist culture. Pancake eaters will be called upon to fight white supremacy by refusing to read the box, or anything else, destroying it immediately after their delicious breakfast to show off their opposition to the monstrous and oppressive white supremacist cult of the written.
Woke Corporations of the world, unite! You have nothing to lose except your customers!
Alexander Riley is professor of sociology at Bucknell University in Pennsylvania.